My Inner Guidance Kicks In
Back In Cape Town at the close of an eventful year, I accepted the reality of this new phase in ‘getting to know myself’ two and a half years after the powerful dream of Ronald and I and his words to me in the train in the Italian countryside. A big part of me was genuinely excited and felt ready. Another smaller part of me, admitted to feeling some trepidation.
I would soon turn fifty-seven and was confronted with the prospect of my second Saturn Return, scheduled to begin in October 2009 and to last for nine months until August 2010. My astrologer and friend Monica explained that there would be a ‘lead-in’ time and a significant period afterwards, and so I started to prepare in early 2008, in so far as one can prepare for Saturn’s energy. Saturn, I learnt, would provide powerful lessons repeatedly, if I had not learnt from and integrated the lessons of my first Saturn return. I was still painfully aware of what had unfolded during that earlier period when, aged twenty-seven, I had left South Africa for eighteen years of self-imposed exile and a range of life-changing experiences.
The message from Saturn focused on taking responsibility for my own material resources. For the next two and a half years I needed to mature into my own being, going into this period with a sense of high self-worth.
Now, however, it was important to look back on the past several years and highlight what had been of value to me and my development, and over the next eighteen months I would need to sort out in my own mind what was important. The memoirs described in the preceding pages and chapters cover the period since I turned fifty and the ‘lead-in time ’seven years… clearly, there was quite a bit to sift through. My second Saturn return was likely to be challenging.
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For some time over the previous years I had kept notes in various journals, sporadically and unsystematically. But during 2008 I was rigorous, writing almost daily pages in a small but thick leather notebook, which I had bought in Konya and started journaling in there. The writing is very compact, and when I read over the sometimes illegible script from the start to finish of this small book, it took me an entire day and left me reeling with the intensity and diversity of the experiences I had embarked on, responded to and embraced during the year.
I was left reflecting on the undeniable lived and recorded experience of powerful inner guidance stepping forward and steering me into this growth time. Steering me into encounters with persons who had just the right words for me at this point on my path, this step in my journey.
One such person was Anneliese Cowley, an Austrian naturopathic healer, whom I had first met when I went to the St Francis Health Centre in mid-1997 after completing my two-year contract at University of Cape Town and prior to my leaving for Bosnia. Since that time, my visits had become annual and in some years even more frequent as I struggled to find my centre and make sense of my life.
Now, in January 2008, I was on my 13th visit to the St Francis Health Centre and she had become a real mentor. Some might refer to her as my ‘spiritual director’, although neither she nor I had ever articulated it as such. But it was Anneliese, who in 2001 or 2002 had ‘seen’ the music waiting and wanting to come through me at the same time as my health seemed to be deteriorating. As she focused intently on the space around me, she said ’You must allow the music to come through… otherwise you will explode’!
And the music had come through, and I had exploded with the joy of it in 2003 as I recovered from my hysterectomy and played my grandmother’s piano. Since then, there have been more musical developments and on this visit to Anneliese I brought her the CD Calling in the Light, which was the outcome of my visit to Boston. She listened to it twice sensing the frequencies and finding the energies good. Together we used this music to accompany the group who walked the labyrinth at the centre, a replica of Chartres, one evening – a beautiful and soul-enhancing experience for all of us.
During this 10-day stay, I had several sessions with her and from my journal notes it is clear that they were intense and affirming. My kidneys were still showing signs of stress, and as kidneys reflect relationship issues and as I was still dealing with a fair amount of emotional issues relating to Ronald and our recent ‘separation’, this was not surprising. In fact, my kidney function energy had not been balanced over the past several visits as we consistently noted lower than normal levels of water composition in my ‘body stats’ readings. But her inputs concerning my ‘mystical’ experiences since my previous visit were precious, and she sensed my ‘many helpers and support’.
She said my path would be lonely with much time in solitude, echoing Ronald’s words to me a few months earlier when he had said… ‘It will be lonely at the top of the mountain’… but this I already knew at a deep level. There was no other option. I was already on this path.
There was one other significant sharing during this 13th visit. It concerned her extension plans for the centre. I had not mentioned my background as an architect before, but this time I did and asked to see the plans. And so, we discussed pyramids and sacred geometry and my wish for a ‘quiet space’ – a meditation and sound sanctuary which she was contemplating building at the centre. The topic of pyramids was particularly resonant as I was to travel to Egypt the following April and had started my research.
And then in closing and before I left she said, ‘You need to be in the mountains… to walk in the mountains…’ With this affirmation I knew I would be returning to Leysin, the Swiss mountain village, rather than Thonon-les-Bains, when I would leave Cape Town three months later.
Settling back in Kalk Bay, I found much to nourish me as several interesting new threads became apparent and began to play out in my experiences. Following up on the sacred geometry discussions at St Francis Health Centre, I attended a weekend workshop with Ros Pape on this topic, which included the science of vibration and numerology. I was introduced to the Mayan calendar, which I found fascinating; I concentrated on my daily practice of Jin Shin Jyutsu and found increasing harmony in my ‘body, mind and spirit’, spending time with Rose and Sharon; I was attending yoga classes regularly; and of course there was my daily chanting on the rocks and swim with the sunrise. All in all, very nourishing.
At the same time, although with much to distract me, I was managing to complete my professional commitment to the International Labour Organisation. This entailed interviews using Skype with offices in India, Zambia and Latin America and preparing a background report on technical cooperation for the annual conference to be held in 2009.
On my birthday on 4th February, Monica called and offered me a ‘solar return’ reading. She also mentioned that she had signed up for a series of ‘Wisdom plant’ ceremonies with a shaman coming from Peru. I had not yet heard of Ayahuasca except the night before when Rose had mentioned it at my birthday dinner. So, when Monica repeated the word, I was open to exploring further. I did some research on the internet, finding the prospects fascinating, and signed up for the ceremonies which were to be held over two weekends.
At the conclusion of my stay at the St Francis health centre, Annaliese Cowley recommended a homeopath. I had a two-hour session with her which confirmed the validity of my signing up for the ceremonies. During the comprehensive conversation, many of my physical issues were mentioned: osteoporosis, kidney function, varicose veins, hormones etc. But all of this happened almost in passing. In my journal notes, I had written the following.
It was clear that at a deep level – all this is really taken care of and for me, now, the main thing is around my spiritual connection !! I mentioned the Ayahuasca ceremonies coming up, at the end when she asked me about ‘FEAR’. I realised that one reason for embarking on this is that I want to confront my fear, fear of coming ‘face-to-face’ with the Divine, maybe the Divine in me, which I am increasingly aware of and opening to. When the doctor heard this, she decided to wait before preparing any remedies until after the ceremonies. I’ll have another appointment the week before I leave for Egypt – when hopefully the remedies will be able to continue and support the vibration of the Ayahuasca. She affirmed the decision I’ve taken and suggested I keep a journal of the experiences, which I had planned to do.
One other point I had written about in my journal concerned ‘moving forward with the music!’
A lot of my sharing with her yesterday was around channeling music and finding a focus for this gift – which is lying still inside me over these months since mom passed over. But I know there’s something going on as my Soul is being nourished and the physical container is receiving the care and love and a bit more of what it needs now!